Are we Lying on Facebook?

We've all got friends who might over-share a little when it comes to putting their personal lives on Facebook, and the phenomenon can be particularly noticeable with new parents, who sometimes can't seem to stop themselves from posting baby updates, pics, videos, and more pics.

Now a new study looks at the psychological motivations that can influence some new mothers to post so much on social media, and the findings suggest that they could be over-sharing in less-than-healthy ways. A study shows which psychological characteristics of some new mothers may affect how they use Facebook to show off their baby.

The study looked at a specific group of moms – highly educated, mostly married Midwestern women who had full-time jobs – and found that those who felt societal pressure to be perfect moms and who identified most strongly with their motherhood role posted more frequently than others to Facebook.

These same mothers who posted most frequently also reported stronger emotional reactions to comments on the photos they posted of their new baby – such as feeling bad if they didn’t get enough positive comments.

Another of the study's findings showed how incredibly pervasive the use of Facebook is when it comes to mothers sharing news and images of their babies. A stunning 98 percent of mothers in the study uploaded photos of their infant to the site, and 80 percent of these mums had replaced their personal profile photo with a picture of their baby.

"What these mothers are saying is that my child is central to my identity, at least right now," said Scoppe-Sullivan. "That's really telling."

 Separate research has suggested the average US parent posts almost 1,000 photos of their child online before the child turns five years old.

First on KYELLER then in Avital Norman Nathan’s wonderful anthology The Good Mother Myth, and most recently in LADIES HOME JOURNAL Sarah Tuttle Singer has been talking about how we need to quit telling lies on Facebook.  In her essay, Sarah starts out by describing a Saturday where she offered up various blissful glimpses of her day for the world to "like". Then she takes us through all the things that she left out. All the things that maybe we wouldn't have liked, that maybe some people would have judged, but that maybe would have made other moms breathe a sigh of relief as they snuck a quick Facebook break behind the locked door of the bathroom, escaping for a moment from their own less than perfect day with the kids. 

After describing her day, and the day she saw her friends having on Facebook, Sarah concludes that something needs to change:

And instead of pretending that everything is hunky-freaking-dory, let’s be real: Parenting is ridiculously hard. And all of us do ourselves and each other a huge disservice when we pretend otherwise. Sure, there are great times that should be celebrated. Sure, when our kids do awesome things, by all means, let’s get our brag on. But let’s also not tell each other so many lies by omission.

My life on Facebook is an airbrushed and Insta-grammed image of my real life. I edit the suckage because I want people to think I have my shit together. I give everything a hipstacular filter to make the drudgery look interesting. Most of the time, I think I’m a decent mom, and I think I’m giving my kids a pretty good life. But I also think I’d be a better mom if I stopped pretending, and making friends on Facebook feel like they have to pretend as well.

Sarah wants us to stop Fake-booking and start sharing the real and shitty family moments. But should we?

Sarah makes a good case for putting an end to the Fake-booking. To some extent I understand. While my face-book friends are perhaps not all as sunny and perfect as the ones Sarah described in her article, I have been to Pinterest and that is a whole other kettle of fish. If you're having a bad day or really struggling with parenting and everyone else is having a gloriously perfect day, it can make you feel bad or inadequate or contribute to depression, no matter which online or in person social network that happens in.

But I don't think we have an obligation to let everyone inside. I don't think we need to show our vulnerabilities, our challenges and our failings with everyone. If my Facebook friends consisted only of my three closest girlfriends, I could see how that could help. Just as you might share the intimate and difficult moments of your lives, with close friends over coffee or a glass of wine, texting or talking on the phone with a good friend can help you to get through a really rough day. But Facebook?

Some of us have clients, in-laws, acquaintances, employees, (nosy) neighbors, kids' teachers, husband's colleagues and others as Facebook friends.

• If you send a less than perfect piece of work to a client, do you want them to wonder whether the reason it wasn't up to par was because your children kept you up all night? They may think that perhaps you're just not up to the task of juggling your family responsibilities with your work.
• If you complain about how much it sucks that you have to change the sheets on your daughter's top bunk because she wet the bed AGAIN, is that really fair to her? Especially if you are Facebook friends with some of her friend's parents and those friends may be looking over the parent's shoulder as they are using Facebook?
• If you and your husband had an argument about something, is it fair to him to publicize that to a group of both strangers and people that he knows very well?
• If you're having a horrible parenting day and were screaming incessantly at your kids, maybe you don't want to admit that to Facebook. Maybe after dealing with that mess all day, you don't want to be beaten when you're already down. Sure, maybe some people will be supportive, but others are sure to chime in with judgment or (un?) helpful suggestions on what you could have done better. 

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to "get real" and share a picture of my messy kitchen on Facebook along with a comment about how Hydro Quebec was asking people to conserve power due to the extreme cold, so I couldn't possibly use hot water or run the dishwasher. Immediately, a few people commented on how seeing that picture made them feel so much better about their own kitchens. I get that, I really do. But a few minutes later I pulled the picture when I realized that my kids real names (which I don't share online) were in plain view due to the prominent Mabel's Labels all over their dirty lunch containers.

Last night, on Facebook, I posted "parenting is hard shit sometimes". Period!  I couldn't say why without violating my children's privacy. It is not my place to tell anyone else whether they got a bad report card, got in trouble for bullying at school, flew into a rage and broke a family heirloom, suffered a panic attack, threw their mashed potatoes at their sibling, or had their heart broken when their best friend decided they didn't want to be friends with them anymore. That isn't my story to tell. "Parenting is hard shit sometimes" -- that is my story, but the rest of it isn't.

Facebook, to me, was never meant to be an intimate conversation with a close friend who I might open up to. Or when it is, that happens through private messages and not on the public timeline. The things I'll share on Facebook are the things that I would share at a cocktail party attended by the wide variety of people I am friends with on Facebook. While I won't hesitate to get into the touchy topics of politics and religion (despite common wisdom on what constitutes polite conversation), I don't share the nitty gritty shitty parts of my life on Facebook. Each post will go through a checklist of "is it okay if an older male client, aunt, neighbor, kid's teacher, sister-in-law, high school boyfriend, strange but cool person I met at a conference, kids' friends' parents, husband's colleague, mother-in-law, best friend, etc. sees this?" If the answer is no, for any reason, then it isn't likely to go up there.

I don't think that is dishonest. It is just showing the part of my life that I'm comfortable having hanging out there for everyone on my friends list to see. If you want to see me yell at my kids or check out the mess in my living room, come over for a coffee sometime. If you haven't sat at my dining room table or hugged me while tears pour down my face, you're just not on my list of people to share personal struggles with. But that doesn't mean that my choice is necessarily right for everyone. If you feel safe sharing your deepest personal struggles and find a way to do so in a manner that is respectful to anyone else who is implicated in your story, that is completely okay with me, and I may even "like" it.  But we also need to recognize that not everyone has the spoons or the privilege to be able to let their struggles hang out on the Internet. Sharing sometimes has real life consequences and for some people, sharing only the sunny parts is the only way to feel safe and to get what they need out of their social time online.

There are a number of groups that I am a member of on Facebook and there are numerous message boards out there too for parents who are struggling or who want support. Many of these have boundaries and guidelines that make them a safer place to share than on our own Facebook walls. I don't think there is anything wrong with showing only the sunny parts of our lives on our walls, which act like scrapbooks or photo albums for many people. If someone needs support or needs to feel less alone in their parenting struggles, the Facebook timeline may not the best place for that. But there are certainly places where parents can get support online and I'd encourage anyone who needs one to seek them out.

What do you think? Are we all Fake-booking or is it normal to be selective in what we share?

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